This column - or, more accurately, three mini-columns - is about political idiots and idiocy in the suburbs. There will be a pop quiz: Pick the idiot. Answers will be at the end of the column.

17th Illinois House District (Glenview, north and east Skokie, west Wilmette and parts of Evanston, Winnetka, Golf, Northfield, Northbrook, Morton Grove and Glencoe):

Dan Biss, the Democratic candidate for state representative, is surely no idiot. He has a doctorate in mathematics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he teaches calculus at the University of Chicago. He is from Evanston, he is Jewish, he is presenting himself as the candidate for "change" - and tying himself tightly to the campaigns of Democrats Barack Obama for president and Dan Seals for Congress.

Biss has decried what he calls the "preposterous mess" in Springfield, and he grandly deplores the "overheated personal bickering" between Governor Rod Blagojevich and Illinois House Speaker Mike Madigan, both Democrats.

Yet, incredibly, he blames not the Democrats, but rather the incumbent Republican, Beth Coulson, whom he castigates as "part of the status quo."

Never mind that it is the Democrats who control state government.

Never mind that the Republicans are a sorry bunch of legislative eunuchs, with minimal input into the legislative process. In overtime sessions, when a three-fifths majority is needed to pass bills or override vetoes, Republicans have relevance. If Democrats increase their 67-51 House majority to 71-47 in 2008, Madigan will have a veto-proof majority.

Never mind that Coulson has a liberal record on social issues and a conservative record on fiscal issues - and certainly is not to blame for the "mess."

Never mind that "change" in Springfield necessitates getting rid of the intractable antagonists - Madigan, Blagojevich or Senate President Emil Jones -- and that that will only be done by electing Republicans.

Never mind that Madigan is a majority of one. He dictates who sponsors the bills which pass out of committee, when bills are called for a vote and how the Democratic Caucus will vote on bills. Biss, if elected, will change nothing in Springfield.

According to Biss campaign manager Julie Sweet, her candidate has a "fresh attitude" and will be a "problem solver," seeking "education funding reform, environmental protection and quality medical insurance protection." Sweet said Biss would seek to alter the "shameful disparity in educational funding," in which Illinois is "49th in the country." Does that mean Biss wants to increase the state income tax? Said Sweet: "We need to take the burden off property owners. He is going to examine alternatives."

Let's cut the crap: That means Biss wants to raise the income tax. But that will never happen, because he would be just another inconsequential cog in Mike Madigan's majority. The speaker's sole goal during the 2009-10 period will be to embarrass the governor with the intent of getting his daughter, Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan, elected governor. The speaker won't hike taxes. If elected, Biss would become part of the "preposterous mess."

According to Sweet, Biss has the support of two potent political organizations, the Niles Township Democrats, led by state Representative Lou Lang (D-16) as committeeman, and U.S. Representative Jan Schakowsky's (D-9) field operation. So did past Coulson foes. Yet Coulson won in 2002 by 666 votes, in 2004 by 4,107 votes and in 2006 by 7,101 votes. So what's different about 2008?

The district is about 25 percent Jewish. Madigan's House majority in 2001 designed the district to elect a Jewish Skokie Democrat. In the 2002 primary, a gentile male beat a Jewish male. Coulson won the election. In 2004 Lang ran the campaign of Michele Bromberg of Skokie, who blasted Coulson for one sin: being a Republican. Coulson won. In 2006, another female Skokie Democrat, Judith-Rae Ross, ran. Coulson won again. In the past three elections Democrats spent $818,444 to beat Coulson, and Coulson spent $859,055 to win.

To date Coulson has raised $83,385, with cash on hand of $239,006, and Biss has raised $133,735, with cash on hand of $219,351. That's significant, as Biss is trying to distance himself from Madigan, who poured $312,001 into Bromberg's 2004 campaign but nothing into Ross's 2006 campaign. If Biss can raise his own dollars, then he can't be denigrated as a "Madigan Monkey."

The 17th District contains 125 precincts, stretching from the Evanston border to Landwehr Road and from Main Street in Skokie to Voltz Road. There are 45 precincts in Glenview, 35 in Skokie, 30 in Wilmette, five in Evanston (where Biss lives) and 10 scattered elsewhere.

Coulson has voted against a ban on partial-birth abortions, against parental notification of a minor's abortion, for gun trigger locks and for a ban on employment discrimination based on sexual orientation, but in recent weeks she voted to override 28 of 33 Blagojevich vetoes - along with most of the House's "Madigan Monkeys."

Can Biss win?

Moving east to west, the district becomes less Democratic and less Jewish. Coulson's base is in Glenview, where she habitually gets 2-1 majorities. In the east, Coulson's past foes won by 2-1 in Skokie and Evanston. The key is Wilmette and Winnetka, where voters pride themselves on their independence and feel obligated to vote for a few Republicans. Atop the November ballot will be John McCain and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R-10), both of whom have some appeal in the district.

Biss will win if an anti-Republican, anti-Bush, anti-Iraq tide of revulsion sweeps the district - and that is entirely possible. Watch the Kirk-Seals race. If Kirk loses, so will Coulson.

Pop quiz question: If Biss wins, who is the idiot?

Maine Township (northwest suburban Park Ridge, Des Plaines): It's dumb, dumber, and idiotic. That's how to characterize the parties and local politicians as they maneuver for the 2009 township elections.

Until the late 1990s, both parties had thriving operations. The committeemen were Republican state Senator Marty Butler and Democratic Niles Mayor Nick Blase. Butler died in 1998, and Blase quit in 2002. Since then, both parties imploded. Under Butler a "Big Tent" philosophy prevailed, with social conservatives co-existing with moderates to fashion a Republican victory. Now it's a "Burnt Tent," with animosity and disgust everywhere.

Bill Darr replaced Butler as committeeman, and he and Trustee Bob Dudycz conspired to dump Supervisor Mark Thompson in 2001. But Thompson wreaked his revenge and beat Darr for committeeman in 2002 by 153 votes. In 2005 Dudycz beat Thompson by 22 votes for the Republican nomination for supervisor. In 2006 Dudycz ally Bob Provenzano lost to Thompson for committeeman by 319 votes. The hostility between the factions - the moderates led by Thompson and state Representative Rosemary Mulligan (R-65) and the conservatives led by Dudycz and township highway commissioner Provenzano -- is palpable, venomous and enduring. As a result, there is no Republican precinct presence.

The polarizing Dudycz resigned as supervisor in 2007, and he was replaced by Trustee Carol Teschky, who intends to run for the job in 2009 on a Maine Township Incumbents slate, not as a Republican. Thompson said Dudycz's departure "relieves the tension" and "opens the door to healing."

"I'm going to run a Republican slate (in 2009)," Thompson said. "We will not take a pass." Thompson said he does not know yet whether he will run for supervisor, but he emphasized that any "coalition" ticket with Teschky and Provenzano has to include members of his organization. That won't happen.

If Democratic Trustee Peter Ryan runs for supervisor, he'll win in a three-way race against Thompson and Teschky. "There's a Democratic base vote of about 40 percent," Thompson said. In 2005 Democrat Karen Dimond got 41.8 percent of the vote against Dudycz.

Pop quiz question: It's obvious that the Republican situation is just idiotic. The party has been eviscerated. But who's the real idiot?

Franklin Park: Leyden Township Democratic committeeman Barrett Pedersen is eager, if not desperate, to break into political relevance. He lost a bid for Metropolitan Water Reclamation District commissioner in 2006, finishing eighth of nine as the slated candidate in the primary. Now he's set to take on Mayor Dan Pritchett, a nominal Democrat who has served since 1997 and who Pederson backed in 2005. According to Pritchett aide Dan Sharp, the mayor is running in 2009.  Who's the idiot?

Here are the pop quiz answers:

In the 17th District, the "idiots" will be the voters, if they believe Biss's "change" gibberish and oust Coulson.

In Maine Township, the "idiot" will be Ryan if he doesn't run and exploit Republican divisions.

And in Franklin Park, the "idiot" will be Pedersen, if he can't oust Pritchett.