Unlike the U.S. Marines' venerable recruiting slogan, a good liberal is not hard to find. As the Feb. 2 Democratic primary looms, there are too many liberals, too little separation, and too few days to make an intelligent choice.

Of course, conservative readers will take umbrage, wondering how can voting for any liberal be an "intelligent choice"?

This week's column, as a public service, will find the liberal. After hours of exhaustive research and thoughtful contemplation, we can now pinpoint that hardy "liberal" species, exemplified by candidates who are sensitive, caring, self-righteous and insufferable, not to mention tax-hiking, diversity-enforcing, gun-abhorring, prison-clearing, Obama-loving, Bush-blaming and poverty-fighting zealots, ever so convinced that only they know the quota-brick road to utopia.

There are four kinds of liberals: Pure, true, demonstrable and practical.

A pure liberal cannot differentiate Karl Marx from Santa Claus, believes that government spending and government bureaucrats can solve every human problem, and blames the world's "evil" on greedy capitalists and war-mongering Republicans. They exist in a fantasy world.

A true liberal exhibits skepticism, questions some of the tenets of socialism, wants a comfortable life but constantly strives to be politically correct, and is afflicted with guilt for not doing enough or donating enough. Liberalism is a way of thought and a way of life. Smugness is obligatory.

A demonstrable liberal has something to prove, and has a kamikaze complex. They want to be different, and be noticed. They would rather be obnoxious and lose than be conciliatory and win. Feminists and animal rights activists are examples.

A practical liberal is one of convenience. They espouse the obligatory platitudes and bromides to get elected, and then enact what they can to please their constituency and stay in office.

The late George Wallace once remarked that "There's not a dime's worth of difference between the Republicans and Democrats." In the 2010 Democratic primary races, there's not a penny's worth of difference between most contenders. All are pro-tax, pro-choice, anti-gun, pro-Obama and pro-reform. Hence, the choices will devolve on symbolism: A woman over a man; a black over a white; a gay over a heterosexual; a Jew over a gentile; a pro-taxer over an equivocator.

But in some races, the liberal's choices are excruciating: A Jewish woman or a black man? A gay candidate or a woman? Who among a bunch of white men? Which "practical" liberal is really trustworthy? Here's an analysis:

7th Illinois Senate District (Chicago North Lakefront): State Senator Carol Ronen, a shrewd political strategist, was part of Rod Blagojevich's 2002 and 2006 campaigns for governor. She was elected to the Illinois House in 1992 and to the Illinois Senate in 2000.

Socialite Heather Steans and her husband, Leo Smith, are well known philanthropists and major Democratic contributors, having donated more than $200,000 to Blagojevich and almost $1 million to various Democrats since 2000.

In January of 2008, Ronen, the 48th Ward Democratic committeeman, resigned as senator and facilitated the appointment of Steans as her replacement. Shortly thereafter, Ronen, known as a "liberal reformer," went on Blagojevich's staff, upped her pension, and quit after two months. That makes her a "greedy liberal reformer."

Steans, whose husband essentially bought her the Senate seat, is now posturing as a "liberal reformer." Jim Madigan, a gay University of Chicago Law School lecturer and activist, has been ripping Steans for not actively supporting gay marriage. What is he thinking? The issue is the taint of Steans' appointment. The issue is Ronen's greed. What is a liberal to do? Advice: Vote for Madigan.

11th Illinois House District (Wicker Park, Lakeview): After seven terms as a Democratic state representative, John Fritchey, after a failed 2009 congressional bid, is running for the Cook County Board. This has precipitated a tribal war for his House seat, with the forces of Alderman Gene Schulter, the 47th Ward Democratic committeeman, backing Dan Farley, and the liberal political activists in Wicker Park supporting Ann Williams, a Springfield lobbyist for a pharmaceutical company.

There are numerous subtexts, if not contradictions, in the race. Williams, a former staffer for state Attorney General Lisa Madigan, is playing the "gender card," exploiting the fact that female candidates run 20 to 30 percent ahead of men in the 32nd Ward. Like Steans, Williams is hypocritically portraying herself as a "reformer," even though she's the consummate insider.

In the 1998 Senate primary, Madigan beat incumbent Senator Bruce Farley, the father of Dan Farley, a 26-year legislator, by 13,095-6,725, getting 66.1 percent of the vote. Huge numbers of 13th Ward Democrats from the organization of Madigan's father, Illinois House Speaker Mike Madigan, flooded the district. Both Madigans reportedly are backing Williams, and they may send troops into the district. The 47th Ward has not had a state legislator since 1998, so this is grudge match. Also running is social service attorney Ed Mullen, who is trying to be the "real" reformer.

The outlook: Williams has a conundrum. Mullen is draining votes from her. Does she rip Farley as the "machine" candidate? Or does she hope that the two Irish-surnamed guys split the male vote?

What does a liberal do? Advice: Vote for Mullen, the real outsider.

18th Illinois House District (Evanston): State Representative Julie Hamos is seeking the 10th U.S. House District Democratic nomination, opening this seat in the heartland of what is jocularly known as the People's Soviet Socialist Republic of Evanston. Five cookie-cutter liberal candidates are running: attorneys Jeff Smith, Ed Moran and Eamon Kelly, law student Pat Keenan-Devlin and child health coalition director Robyn Gabel. Other than age and gender, little differentiates them.

The seat was held by U.S. Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-9) from 1990 to 1998, when she went to Washington and was replaced by Hamos. Schakowsky is supporting Gabel, age 56, whose base among social service and nonprofit groups is a powerful force in liberal politics. Gabel is the pure and demonstrable liberal.

Kelly, age 29, is a veritable child prodigy: Second-year associate at Jenner & Block, former intern to Governor George Ryan and Blagojevich's deputy governor Brad Tusk, and chief of staff to the Illinois State Board of Education. But is he too much of a superficial opportunist? His exalted resume raises doubts, but he was endorsed by Ronen and county Commissioner Larry Suffredin. Devlin, age 25, formerly was a lobbyist at Citizen Action, and he has been endorsed by the AFL-CIO and AFSCME unions. These young guys are splitting the "new generation" vote -- which is neither pure, true nor demonstrable, but their youth is creating a buzz. Is there a liberal quota for young white guys?

Smith, age 52, is a longtime activist and a former Democratic state central committeeman. He is endorsed by the liberal Democracy for America, three current or former Evanston mayors, six current or former Evanston aldermen and Chicago Alderman Joe Moore (49th). Smith is the practical liberal. He has ideas about tax increment financing reform and campaign reform, and he is no radical. In Evanston, the "Jan/Bob Machine," run by Schakowsky and her husband, Bob Creamer, dominates, but Smith's three decades in the political trenches has won him much support.

Moran, age 62, an attorney and an 18-year Evanston alderman, is the race's oddity. He is conservative and pro-life. What's he doing in a Democratic primary?

What's a liberal to do? Kelly is the opportunistic liberal, Gabel the pure liberal, Keenan-Devlin the embryonic liberal, Smith the proven liberal, and Moran the non-liberal. Advice: Pick Keenan-Devlin, a liberal who can terrorize Springfield for the next 30 years. However, the "Jan/Bob Machine" and the gender card give Gabel an edge.

12th Cook County Board District (Ravenswood, Lakeview): County Commissioner Forrest Claypool, who was the odds-on favorite to whip Todd Stroger in the 2010 county board president primary, inexplicably decided to retire. "We lost both leading reform voices" on the county board, said Fritchey, referring to Claypool and Mike Quigley, who went to Congress. "It's a unique opportunity to fight for campaign and property tax reform closer to home," Fritchey said of his candidacy. He is endorsed by Claypool and Quigley.

Opposing Fritchey is former 32nd Ward alderman Ted Matlak, who lost in 2007 to Scott Waguespack by 122 votes after spending $700,000. According to area sources, Waguespack has been an abysmal alderman, with horrifically poor constituent service. Fritchey backed Waguespack in 2007. Matlak wants to run for alderman again, and he filed against Fritchey, hoping to cut a deal: He would quit the race if Fritchey backed him in 2011. Fritchey refused. The outlook: An easy Fritchey win, and an evaporation of Matlak's minimal credibility.

10th U.S. House District (North Shore): Does liberal political correctness necessitate gratitude? Not for Dan Seals, the mixed-race Democrat who ran credible races against Republican Mark Kirk in 2006 and 2008. Seals attacked the Bush Administration and opposed the Iraq War, doing the liberals' heavy lifting.

Now that Kirk is running for the U.S. Senate, Seals is a candidate for the pooper-scooper. Hamos is playing the gender card and appealing to Jewish voters. Liberal "guilt" for not backing a white Jewish woman exceeds that for opposing a minority man. Is it enough for Hamos?